Dr. Ninos P. Malek
Relationships can build you up or tear you down. We must be careful to follow Proverbs 4:23—we must guard our hearts. Too many people give their hearts away too quickly to others who do not deserve them. They unwisely and hurriedly follow the philosophy of “ready, fire, aim” or even just “fire” (like many in Hollywood or the music industry) instead of “ready, aim, fire.” They naively believe that “Love will conquer all.” I also think too many people start dating before they are emotionally and spiritually ready for the serious commitment and sacrifice that a solid relationship requires, especially those in high school and college.
If individuals say they are Christians, why are they dating or want to date a non-Christian? In other words, why are they open to being with someone who hates or denies their supposed Lord and Savior and whom the Bible calls spiritually dead? 2 Corinthians 6:14 states, “Don’t be teamed with those who do not love the Lord, for what do people of God have in common with the people of sin?” Does this apply to you?
Perhaps you are thinking, “He is so great or she is so perfect…maybe I can make them a Christian and then they would be perfect.” That is very sweet and touching, but God doesn’t call us to missionary date! Moreover, what is your real motivation--his or her soul or your selfish desire to make them “dateable”? If you are a professing Christian or have friends or family who say they are and you or they are dating a non-Christian or even an immature, superficial Christian and “just having fun,” that should be a huge red-flag to you and them. And think about this: even two Christians don’t necessarily make a Christian relationship. Just because you are not having sex or not being sexual in other ways, doesn’t make your relationship Christian. If all you desire is someone who will go to church with you and respect your general values, then sadly you have set your bar too low.
Ladies, to those of you who call yourselves Christians, let me say this: if your boyfriend or some future guy puts you above his relationship with God, you don’t want him. Ladies, there are a lot of males out there, but not enough men. A true man values your sexual purity over his pleasure; he is disciplined; he is someone who will treat you as the Bible commands; he is a mature, Christ-follower whom you can respect. He is a man who will keep the relationship focused on Christ and love you the way you need, not necessarily always the way you want.
The same applies to you guys. No matter how hot a girl is or how cool or sweet she is, if she does not have a mature, solid faith in Jesus Christ and she does not desire to live her life or treat you based on the foundation of God’s Word, move on. Of course, a guy wants to be physically attracted to the girl he dates and marries, but if there is no spiritual foundation and union, the relationship will crumble.
If your philosophy is, like many self-proclaimed Christians I know who are adults in their 20’s and 30’s, “I just date for fun—I’ll get serious later when I am ready to get married” -- that is just code for sin and immaturity. “So, what do I do if I am a Christian already in a non-Christian relationship?” Simple--break up. There is a concept in economics called sunk cost—it doesn’t matter how much time you have invested, the only concern you should have is for your future.
“What if one day a non-Christian or an immature Christian likes me?” Just remain friends, do things in groups, keep the conversations and time spent together at a minimum, and guard your heart or you will fall if you are attracted to that person too. Remember, you can decide with whom who you choose to be in a relationship and with whom you “fall in love.” You choose to whom you give your heart. Be selective because your heart is a precious thing, and it can hurt badly when it is rejected or given to someone without God’s blessing. After all, if you don’t care enough about your own body and heart, then why are you surprised when someone else isn’t careful with them?
My advice to you (which I also have to follow) is to become the individual God wants you to be, trust in God’s timing and don’t be desperate, make sure you are truly ready for the responsibility of a relationship before entering into one, be “equally yoked,” have mature, Christian accountability and input into your relationship when the time comes, and ensure that your relationship and the things you do in that relationship are based on God’s Word and principles.